Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math