Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
You Might Also Like
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.