I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?