[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
You Might Also Like
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*