Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail