Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
You Might Also Like
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Not messing around
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“A little help here, Danny?”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?