Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.