Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
You Might Also Like
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
It’s the weekend y’all
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?