Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…
This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
2: Where mommy?
Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.
2: Mommy is meat?
Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong