@iAmDelFreaky

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

@iAmDelFreaky

Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…

This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.

@iAmDelFreaky

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

@iAmDelFreaky

2: Where mommy?

Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.

2: Mommy is meat?

Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.

2: Ok.

@iAmDelFreaky

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

@iAmDelFreaky

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

@iAmDelFreaky

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

@iAmDelFreaky

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

@iAmDelFreaky

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong