“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Dammit Chief not again
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT