If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
peep davidson
Childbirth is so beautiful
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave