[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.