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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.