@iGreenMonk

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.

@iGreenMonk

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@iGreenMonk

I watch birds sometimes and wonder, “If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?”

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.

@iGreenMonk

Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love.

Going against all the odds, they got married & that’s how we have camels.

@iGreenMonk

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

@iGreenMonk

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

@iGreenMonk

“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”

@iGreenMonk

Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.

@iGreenMonk

Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.