Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
You Might Also Like
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
one of
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.