*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.