My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.