You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Her: I really want nachos!!
Me: *changes name to nachos*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.