MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”