What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Lassie, get help!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story