My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..