If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]