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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Big Sex has us all fooled
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.