ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW