Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.