What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Best table by far
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.