*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W