People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.