*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Name another movie that mislead you?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
what day is it?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”