Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess