Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔