Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
what’s really going on
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone