SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
🔦🌙👣
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Ain’t no way
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.