Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*