The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”