I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.