a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You Might Also Like
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A game married people play.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.