@iamburtjarvis: villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
@iamburtjarvis: me: haha no I'm not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
@iamburtjarvis: date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
@iamburtjarvis: wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
@iamburtjarvis: bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
@iamburtjarvis: [one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
@iamburtjarvis: [at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
@iamburtjarvis: [during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I'll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
@iamburtjarvis: me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.