I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together