who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up