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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Pandas 🐼🖤
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.