When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Great Canadian literature.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place