@iamjohnsarris

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

@iamjohnsarris

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

@iamjohnsarris

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

@iamjohnsarris

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

@iamjohnsarris

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

@iamjohnsarris

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

@iamjohnsarris

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.