[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You Might Also Like
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
SF is the wild wild west man
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.