Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident