Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.