Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
can I use a minion as a tampon
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*