You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
That’s it.I’m out.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.