him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?