@iamspacegirl

I wake up several hours before everyone else so that I can pretend to be an old man living alone in the Alaskan wilderness for awhile before my actual life starts.

@iamspacegirl

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

@iamspacegirl

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

@iamspacegirl

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

@iamspacegirl

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

@iamspacegirl

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

@iamspacegirl

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.