Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I wake up several hours before everyone else so that I can pretend to be an old man living alone in the Alaskan wilderness for awhile before my actual life starts.
[Dracula before he got braces]
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.