You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this