Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?