ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs