@ianpauldukes

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

@ianpauldukes

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

@ianpauldukes

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

@ianpauldukes

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

@ianpauldukes

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

@ianpauldukes

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

@ianpauldukes

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

@ianpauldukes

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs